Understanding Domestic Violence

A common statement made when talking about the topic of domestic violence victims is, “they must like it because if they didn’t … they would leave.” That’s not the case. Thousands of people each and every year die at the hands of an abuser. The hard fact is that domestic violence, while it’s nowhere near simple to understand, is a disease that plagues families and it can be stopped.

Understanding domestic violence is important because without the comprehension of what happens to not only a person who’s battered or the effects of the children trapped in a home of terror but also an abuser, attempts to stop the madness will fail.

Inside The Mind Of An Abuser

What lurks beneath is nothing further than astonishing and researchers have studied all aspects of an abuser’s life from childhood to traumatic events, some key points do in fact relate but there is no clear answer as to “why.” Most often times, just like an abused person can’t pinpoint exactly why they stay, most abusers can’t tell why they abuse.

The few abusers who can say why they abuse admit that’s it makes them feel powerful and they have control. Some abusers whose income classifies them as living in poverty feel they have control over one thing in their life and that’s their home if nothing else but what about the other abusers?

Not all abusers are poor, some are of the wealthiest in society, who live privileged lives that most people would describe as perfect and there seems to be nothing out of the ordinary that would give any psychological factor of reasoning to their actions of abuse in the home.

The Link Of Emotion

Most abusers feel empowered and they actually get a “rush” from abusive behavior. In the abuser’s mind, something is wrong and it becomes extreme for them. Perfectionists can’t handle tasks that they know they can’t complete. If a perfectionist feels that they in fact cannot perform a task, they simply will not do it. The same can be said with some abusers. Some abusers are obsessed with cleanliness, some obsessed with the appearance of their family, the behavior of their family and some, with language.

Triggers set off emotion, emotions that are obsessive and when someone says “it drives me crazy when…” in an abusers mind something does drive them crazy enough to throw punches and even kill. From a pile of dishes in the sink, a comment a wife, girlfriend, husband or boyfriend may make during a conversation, a child’s report card and even a simple look at someone else or even at the abuser, can set an abuser off.

Mental Reasoning

Some abusers say that they feel the situation is resolved after an attack upon their victims while others insist that the situation is only the beginning and a victim can in fact expect future attacks until the abuser has “gotten over” the issue.

Some abusers are able to stop themselves after one punch, while others aren’t showing that some do in fact know that what they do is wrong and that there is some concept of reasoning to initiate some form of self-control to stop.

Is There Hope?

Yes, there is hope and a couple experiencing the problems that come along with domestic violence can save their relationship but they can’t do it alone. In the same way that an alcoholic comes to terms with the fact that they are an alcoholic, an abuser has to face to the fact that they are an abuser and a victim needs to admit that they are a victim.

Most abusers convince themselves that they don’t have a problem and most victims convince themselves that most of the blame belongs to them. Taking responsibility for one’s own actions is the first step. Counseling should be a part of a couple’s plan with a trained professional.

Feelings of guilt and blame can be as detrimental as a loaded gun, these feelings are deep routed and the fact is most people have these deep feelings routed as a result of some form of shame, it’s hard to bring these problems out to the surface. Some people are so ashamed to bring the facts out to the surface and beneficial counseling cannot be helpful if someone holds back their emotions.

The Healing Process

Even when a couple seeks help, counseling is in place, there may not be any violence in the home but deep rooted feelings remain and sometimes the wounds that don’t leave a mark are the hardest to heal. All of the deep routed feelings must come out to be effectively washed.

Love hurts; it hurts on the inside and the outside.

A couple should work together, support each other and realize that healing could take a long, long time. The problems weren’t created overnight and nor will the solution. Healing is actually a job, it’s a lot of hard work and it can be tiring. The most important action a couple can take is to remain active with their chosen counselor and to remain honest with themselves.

Summary

The issues of domestic violence can be prevented, if there are warning signs early on in a relationship then counseling should be sought as a preventative measure. Relationship problems can be resolved with a counselor before the violence begins. Seeking a counselor is nothing to be ashamed of at all and society should accept the fact more willingly that sometimes, people need counseling to live from day to day.

If domestic violence is present, a family is suffering and there is no end in sight or no will to seek counseling then a victim/victims need to get out. There are agencies that exist for the sole purpose of helping victims get out and live independently, these agencies rely on many people both public, governmental and private sources and the agencies usually have good counselors on staff to help a victim through a rough transition.

If you have read this article and you are not an abuser or a victim, understand that domestic violence is real, it’s a sickness with many forms and it’s horrifying to live with domestic violence. No one, not one single person ever says, “when I grow up I want to hurt my family” or “when I grow up I want my spouse to beat me.” Society needs more compassion in understanding this disease and if anyone witnesses or even hears an act of violence, it should be reported.

Parents should talk to their children about domestic violence when encountering those big discussions about drugs, smoking and sex. Polls have shown that many school age children have known other children in school whose family lived with issues of domestic violence and yet chose not to tell anyone because a friend trusted them not to tell. Support your community’s shelters for victims by donating time or money, every little bit helps and the support could save a life. If you or if you know someone who is suffering … get help and learn other ways that you can make a difference.

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